im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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