Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
