my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
