You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
