this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
