are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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