when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
