You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
