just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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