she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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