So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
