Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
