i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
