I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
