Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
