I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize