Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
