i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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