You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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