I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
