arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Randomize
