So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
