Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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