just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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