If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
