Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I need a burrito and a hug.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
