The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
