Don't make out with my wife yet
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
