I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There are leaves in my underwear?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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