Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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