I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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