Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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