I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just had sex bonerless
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
