OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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