my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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