News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
