Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize