does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
