I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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