I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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