I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
we're so committed to being not committed
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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