Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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