If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
