foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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