I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
