he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
