sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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