ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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