I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
