I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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