pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
