i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
