I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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