I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
