Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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